User's Guide and Manual, SMOL style!
by Strawberry-Milk-of-Love
Summary: It looks like there are quite a few User's Guide and Manuals that have yet to be created! We have taken it upon ourselves to write up these Guides to ensure proper use and care of all of our products.
1. KUROSHITSUJI Line: SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS

Everybody might hate me for doing this, but this is one bandwagon I'm particularly fond of. In the spirit of the idea, I decided that there was an unfortunate lack of several important character unit manuals, so I took it upon myself to create them.

I do not own the 'User Guide and Manual' format, and I'm not sure who does, but if they want me to take this down, it's not a problem at all.

In any case! If you have recently purchased a SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit, please read this User Guide and Manual before beginning operation.

* * *

><p><strong>SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS: User Guide and Manual<strong>

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit. This manual was made to ensure that you, the user, could get as much potential from your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit as possible.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS. He will respond to whatever you, the owner, call him, as he considers himself your lowly servant. However, he may reject being referred to as "Sebby," "Sebby-chan or -kun," or "Sexy Butler Man."

Age: Unknown

Place of Manufacture: Unknown. We suspect Hell.

Height: 186 cm (6'1'')

Weight: Unknown... but he is pretty thin.

Length: Perfect in every way, means perfect in _every_ way

**Your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit comes equipped with the following:**

Two (2) authentic, Victorian-style suits: one (1) black, white, and charcoal, one (1) black and brown

One (1) complete set of extra-sharp dining knives and forks

One (1) pair of white gloves

One (1) pair of fake reading glasses

One (1) pair of demon eye contacts, blood red

One (1) set of bunny ears and tail, white

One (1) heart pin, red, with ribbon, black

One (1) large suitcase, brown

One (1) violin

One (1) crow costume

One (1) pair of kitty ears plus tail

One (1) pair of stiletto boots

**Programming**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit is equipped with the following traits:

Butler: Your SEBASTIAN unit's primary function to be the perfect butler. He will utilize his supernatural talents, high intelligence, and resourcefulness to serve you to the very best of his ability. SEBASTIAN is incredibly adept at cooking, cleaning, and managing your estate - all things expected of the perfect butler.

Bodyguard: SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS is demonically strong, fast, and intelligent - perfect traits for protecting you and/or your family. To him, you are his primary responsibility; therefore you will never have to worry about being harmed, stalked, or even insulted without consequence with him around.

Mercenary: Determined to find your parent's killers? Ready to be free of your creepy stalker/loanshark/obnoxious neighbor/abusive spouse? Praying for the sudden and mysterious death of your super-rich husband? Your SEBASTIAN unit is perfectly capable of putting these nuisances out of your misery for good; he's just waiting for the order. Don't even worry about being considered a conspirator, either - your butler will make sure you're not only innocent, but a victim, as well!

*Note: We reccommend ordering your unit from betraying you, as his mercenary option may end up coming back to haunt you later.

Tutor: Got two left feet? Dumb as a box of rocks? Despair no more! Your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit is delighted to share his knowledge of, well, everything with you! Calm, patient, and detail-oriented, a couple of hours a day with your dear butler and you'll be fit for dancing with a Queen and debating with a dictionary!

**Removal of your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit from packaging**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit is perpetually calm, collected, and ready to face any challenge sent his way. Waking him and bringing him out of his box is perfectly safe; there is an infinitesimal chance of getting yourself maimed. However, we do recommend that you follow the procedures outlined below to ensure your safety:

*Note: All of these methods involve making a contract with the SEBASTIAN unit. This contract does indeed involve giving up your _soul_. If you are not ready for such a commitment, we suggest you send SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS back to us within the allotted time for a refund.

Method 1: Be extremely depressed and in despair and mope about in front of SEBASTIAN's box for a while. Soon, he will feel your despair and come out of the box to offer you a contract.

Method 2: Place a CIEL PHANTOMHIVE unit in front of the box and untie the unit's shoes. SEBASTIAN will then come out of the box, tie those shoes and pat CIEL's head. When he realizes you are there, he will offer you a contract.

*Note: If you leave the CIEL PHANTOMHIVE unit alone with your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit for too long, the pair will go ahead and make the contract. If this happens, simply reset both units by screaming "MEOW MEOW MEOW!" You will know you have succeeded when the CIEL unit starts sneezing uncontrollably and the SEBASTIAN unit mimics you. You can, however, allow the pair to keep their contract. It will be that much harder controlling SEBASTIAN, though.

Method 3: Forgo the wallowing in self-pity and simply stand in front of the SEBASTIAN unit's box. Initiate the contract yourself. The SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit is starving for souls and values a strong-willed and self-driven soul, so there is very little chance he will refuse you. The unit will come out of his box to complete the contract.

Method 4: Place a GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit in front of your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit's box and let him flirt for a little while. SEBASTIAN will come out almost immediately and strangle GRELL, but once he realizes you are there he will regain his composure and offer you a contract. We do not guarantee the safety of the GRELL unit.

Method 5: Place a cat or a group of kittens in front of your SEBASTIAN unit's box and wait. He will come out very soon and engage the cats in play. Because he harbors a deep reverance for cats, it may be a long while before he notices you, but once he does he will offer you the contract. Then he will return to the cats.

**Reprogramming**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit is reprogrammable with the following modes:

_Calm (default)_

_Obedient (default)_

_Facetious_

_Cold-blooded_

_Distracted (locked)_

_Demonic (locked)_

_Slash (locked)_

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit comes preprogrammed in the _Calm _and _Obedient_ modes. In these modes your butler will act as normally as possible. He will take care of all the chores, the house business, and anything you ask of him. Your SEBASTIAN unit can be loaned out to other people while in these modes, and he will work for them as competently as he does for you.

_Facetious_ mode will begin automatically whenever someone makes an awed-remark at your SEBASTIAN unit's awesome-ness, or whenever your unit witnesses you make a mistake or embarrass yourself. While in _Facetious_ mode, SEBASTIAN will poke fun at your and at others' expense(s) slyly and yet well within his restraints. On occasion he may enter this mode of his own will.

While in _Cold-blooded_ mode, your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit becomes a mercenary with a heart of steel. In this mode he is prepared to carry out your darkest orders with utmost speed and precision. We reccommend that you be very careful what you ask of your SEBASTIAN unit when he enters this mode, as he is less likely to question you and will perform the task with no qualms whatsoever. While the SEBASTIAN unit is precise and thorough, unless you have implicitly ordered him to not betray you, you may eventually take the fall for whatever dirty deed you had him perform. No matter what, unless some freak trick occurs, he will have your soul, anyway.

_Distracted_ mode is locked unless your SEBASTIAN unit senses or spots a cat of any kind. Though normally lazer-focused and attentive, while in this mode, your SEBASTIAN unit will most likely ignore you. He is absolutely fascinated by cats, for whatever reason, and that is why we strongly suggest you keep him as far away from them as possible if you want him at top capacity.

Your SEBASTIAN unit is fiercely protective of you, if you have completed the contract. If something were to happen to you, or if he were to witness someone harming you, your SEBASTIAN unit's _Demonic_ mode would unlock instantaneously. In this mode, your unit loses most of his restraints and begins to employ exceedingly violent methods to get you back to safety. Whenever your unit helps you complete his side of the bargain, your unit will unlock _Demonic_ mode to begin acquiring your soul.

*Note: If your unit asks you to close your eyes or look away while he is in this mode, we strongly suggest you do so.

_Slash_ mode is unlocked after a set amount of interaction between your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit and other units available in our product line such as CIEL PHANTOMHIVE, GRELL SUTCLIFFE, BEAST, DOLL, the NUN, ANGELA/ASH, MAYLENE, CLAUDE FAUSTUS, and WILLIAM T. SPEARS. Your SEBASTIAN unit will willingly enter into _Slash_ mode with any other unit if ordered to, as well, including with you. According to his programming, his body is yours to do with as you please, once the contract has been made.

*Note: SEBASTIAN harbors an intense dislike for both the GRELL SUTCLIFFE and CLAUDE FAUSTUS units. This means that initiating _Slash _mode with either of these will be a challenge, unless you order SEBASTIAN to do it. Also, if your SEBASTIAN unit sees you or another unit dressed as a cat he may enter _Slash_ mode on his own.

**Relationships with Other Units**

CIEL PHANTOMHIVE: This unit is programmed to be the SEBASTIAN unit's master, unless you buy SEBASTIAN separately and make the contract yourself. When left alone together these two will make the contract and the SEBASTIAN unit will serve CIEL to the best of his ability. If you wish to keep this from happening while still owning both units, read Method 2 for waking your SEBASTIAN unit up to reset both units.

*Note: CIEL PHANTOMHIVE is a thirteen-year-old child and while acts extremely mature and intelligent for his age, he is still immature in many respects, including romance. CIEL sees SEBASTIAN as merely a pawn in his game, so therefore initiating _Slash _mode between the two of them is challenging and discouraged. Unless you like that sort of thing.

GRELL SUTCLIFFE: GRELL SUTCLIFFE finds SEBASTIAN attractive and firmly believes in flirting with him as much as possible. SEBASTIAN does not reciprocate any of GRELL's feelings, unless you order him to, and will most likely harm GRELL in some way if the reaper gets too touchy or threatens SEBASTIAN's master.

*Note: _Slash_ mode between SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS and GRELL SUTCLIFFE may occur if the two are left alone and SEBASTIAN remains in _Demonic _mode for too long.

ANGELA/ASH: This half-and-half angel actually hates SEBASTIAN, and vice versa, but the angel will initiate _Slash_ mode if the two are left alone long enough. Whether or not SEBASTIAN accepts depends on his relationship with you or with CIEL PHANTOMHIVE. Under normal circumstances, SEBASTIAN will not engage the ANGELA/ASH unit in combat, unless the angel proves itself to be a threat to SEBASTIAN's master.

CLAUDE FAUSTUS: Out of all of the products in our KUROSHITSUJI line, the SEBASTIAN unit hates CLAUDE FAUSTUS the most. If bought, this unit will attempt to steal the SEBASTIAN unit's master, thus inciting SEBASTIAN's jealousy and rage. Most often this will trigger SEBASTIAN's _Cold-blooded_ mode, though a battle between the two while both were in their respective _Demonic_ modes has been known to occur. _Slash _between these two rivals is next to impossible, though once initiated is extremely worth the effort. If you like that sort of thing.

Any of the PHANTOMHIVE SERVANTS: The PHANTOMHIVE SERVANTS include FINNY, BARD, MAYLENE, and TANAKA. SEBASTIAN treats each of these with politeness and courtesy, despite the fact that he intimidates each of them, except for TANAKA. When owned together the SERVANTS follow orders from both CIEL and SEBASTIAN, though often with disasterous results.

**Cleaning**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, though this will hardly be necessary as he is perfect and never finds himself dirtied. In case you actually wish to clean your unit, he may or may not allow you to, depending on the strength of your relationship. He may, instead, offer to bathe _you_, as part of his _Obedient _mode. If your relationship is strong he may initiate _Slash _mode if you allow him to bathe you.

**Feeding**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit feeds primarily on souls, which makes for the basis of one-half of your contract. At first he fed on whatever he could but has since refined his tastes, only feeding on the purest, best of souls. Because of this he is starving, but willing to mold your soul into the kind he likes. He can and may eat regular human food, but he does not need it. Your unit prefers to prepare your meals himself, especially if you happen to have a humorously incompetent chef burning down your kitchen at every mealtime.

**Rest**

Your SEBASTIAN MICHEALIS unit is an early riser, in order to get all the preparations for the day completed. He does not need sleep, only does it as a luxury. He will make sure you're up at a reasonable hour, so if you're a late sleeper you may need to order him to leave you alone.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q. Will I go blind in the eye that SEBASTIAN places his seal?

A. No, but if he does put it in your eye, you'll have both an awesome bond and kicking conversation starter.

Q. Is there a way to break the contract without losing my soul?

A. Unsure. We also do not suggest you try, either.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: My SEBASTIAN unit won't listen to me! All he wants to do is play with those dumb cats!

Solution: Reset your Sebastian's programming by using the procedure as described Method 2 of waking your unit. Then, while he is resetting, quickly get rid of all the cats in your house or in the area. Make sure that he does not see any more cats, and your problem should be solved. If his behavior continues, we may have sent you a defective unit. If that's the case, feel free to return him.

Problem: My SEBASTIAN unit keeps putting on my mother's clothes and won't stop trying to reap my soul!

Solution: It seems we have sent you a reaper!GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit instead. Please send him back and we will provide you with the proper unit. In the meantime, try mentioning WILLIAM T. SPEARS to GRELL and see if it subdues him at all.

*WARNING: He may then perceive you as a threat.

Problem: I thought you said SEBASTIAN was the perfect butler. This unit sucks! He keeps breaking things, burning my food and nearly my home, and every time I try to tell him off, he tries to commit suicide!

Solution: This sounds very much our butler!GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit. If you are dissastified with him, feel free to let him complete his suicide (though there is a large chance he will fail), or send him back to us.

**End Notes**

You have picked a loyal and capable unit to spend the rest of your life with. SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS is top-of-the-line, state-of-the-art hardware, arguably the world's best butler, and he is the perfect addition to any PHANTOMHIVE SERIES collection.

Good luck!


	2. HELLSING Line: ALUCARD

**ALUCARD: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own ALUCARD unit. This manual was made to ensure that you, the user, could get as much potential from your ALUCARD unit as possible.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: Alucard. He will also respond to "Dracula," "Vlad," "Master," "The Impaler," and "Count"

Age: 567

Place of Manufacture: Wallachia

Height: 198 cm (6'5'')

Weight: 71 kg (156 lbs) ...this is our closest estimate.

Length: Let us just say Van Hellsing didn't hate him just because he is a vampire.

**Your A LUCARD unit comes equipped with the following:**

One (1) full-length, frock overcoat with cape, red

One (1) wide-brimmed fedora, red

One (1) pair of circular, tinted, wire-rimmed sunglasses, custom

One (1) pair of white gloves with pentacle design

One (1) charcoal suit, complete with red cravat and leather riding boots

Two (2) oversized handguns, the .454 CASULL, silver; the JACKAL, black

One (1) black bondage suit

One (1) coffin, filled with the earth of your ALUCARD unit's homeland

**Programming**

Your ALUCARD unit is equipped with the following traits:

Guard Dog: Your ALUCARD unit is professionally trained and perfectly capable of securing your sovereign and country. On a smaller scale, your ALUCARD unit will protect your home and family with his exceptional sharpshooting ability and supernatural abilities.

Vampire Hunter/Demon Slayer: Got supernatural pests plaguing your home and/or country? Put your ALUCARD unit's supernatural talents and penchant for bloodshed to good use and send him off to battle. Though it will be extremely bloody, your ALUCARD unit will never fail you.

Hunting Partner/Dog: ALUCARD has a very sharp nose and an advanced tracking ability. Take him on your next outing and and watch your preferred game literally fall at your feet!

Sniper: Your ALUCARD unit is the best sharpshooter on the planet. Rent him out to your city's police force or country's military, or just keep him at home to keep the ghouls, the creepers, the stalkers, the nosy neighbors, and the dreaded family members coming for the holidays at bay.

**Removal of your Alucard unit from packaging**

Your Alucard unit is very cruel and arrogant by nature and there is a startlingly high amount of ways of waking him up improperly. Here, we have provided you with a few "safe" methods of removing him from his box, but we do not take any liability for any harm done to your person or to others during this process.

Method 1: Cut your finger or open a bag of fresh (or near-fresh) blood. Your ALUCARD unit will phase through his box and approach you, requesting a taste. We strongly suggest you offer it to him. If you refuse, he may take it anyway.

Method 2: Place an ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit in front of your ALUCARD unit's box. Let the ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit berate and taunt your ALUCARD unit a bit, and then proceed to find shelter some distance away. Your ALUCARD unit will first fire a hail of bullets through the cover of his box before bursting out and engaging the ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit in battle. For instructions on how to end this fight, continue reading the User Guide and Manual.

Method 3: Place a SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING unit in front of your ALUCARD unit's box. The INTEGRA unit will promptly make a disparaging remark about the laziness of your ALUCARD unit and will order him to come out at once. He will calmly phase out of the box then, make an uncomfortable sexual innuendo at the SIR INTEGRA unit, and then carry out any orders the SIR INTEGRA unit decides to give him.

Method 4: Order your ALUCARD unit to come out of his box. This method is not reccommended, as there is very little chance that your ALUCARD unit respects you enough to follow orders from you. He may or may not come out, and if he does, he may attempt to drink your blood. An attack from one of these units is extremely lethal.

Method 5: Place an ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit outside of your ALUCARD unit's box. The ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit will immediately attack the box with various vampire-slaying weapons, causing your ALUCARD unit to come out and defend himself. You must wait until your ALUCARD unit is completely defeated by the ABRAHAM VAN HELLSING unit before attempting to utitilize him. CAUTION: There is no guarantee that your ALUCARD unit will come out of this battle in one piece.

*NOTE: Method 5 is only reccommended for the Vladcard!edition of the ALUCARD line.

**Reprogramming**

Your Alucard unit is reprogrammable with the following modes:

_Arrogant (default)_

_Cruel (default)_

_Bloodthirsty_

_Melancholic_

_Obedient (locked)_

_Furious (locked)_

_Slash (locked)_

Your Alucard unit comes preprogrammed in _Arrogant_ and _Cruel_ modes. In these modes your unit will be the violent, trigger-happy vampire he is known to be, ready to fight and kill lowly monsters at a moment's notice. Any unit/monster/unfortunate victim caught in battle with him in these modes will find themselves humiliated and demoralized before being completely obliterated.

In _Bloodthirsty_, your unit's usual savage nature will increase ten-fold. Your ALUCARD unit can be brought into this mode within a matter of seconds after being brought into a fight, especially one against an ALEXANDER ANDERSON unit. It is best you avoid physical contact with your ALUCARD unit in this mode, as he may or may not recognize you as his master, and he may kill you to gain the power human blood offers him. To bring your ALUCARD unit out of this mode, enforce the Control Art Restriction System as outlined later in this Manual, or have a SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING unit do it for you.

In _Melancholic_ your ALUCARD unit will become introspective, calm, and withdrawn. Though he enjoys a good kill every now and then your ALUCARD unit almost completely regrets giving up his humanity to become a vampire. He has also given up completely on his own God, so in this mode he may begin to question you about your own religious beliefs. It is very rare, but your ALUCARD unit may cry at some point. To put your ALUCARD unit into this mode, allow him to interact with vampire!WALTER C. DORNEZ, or remind him of his decision to become a vampire. To bring your ALUCARD unit out of _Melancholic _use the same procedure as outline in Method 1 or Method 2 of removal from your unit's box.

If you manage to prove to your ALUCARD unit that you are worthy of being his master and that you are his equal, he will unlock the _Obedient_ mode. In this mode your unit will happily oblige with any order you give him and will do anything in his power to impress you. While still retaining some of his _Arrogant_ mode personality traits, your ALUCARD unit can be completely trusted to protect you and follow through with orders. It is exceptionally hard to unlock this mode, and Congratulations! to you if you manage this. You can re-lock this mode by requesting that your ALUCARD unit bite you and turn you into a vampire. He sees this as something that is earned, not given freely, and will lose confidence in you for wanting to give up your humanity for no reason.

*Note: Mentioning that the SERAS VICTORIA unit wasn't exactly given much of a choice when he shot her in the lung instead of shooting the vampire priest's head will only make him irritated and may send him into _Furious _mode.

Your Alucard unit's _Furious_ mode is locked with good reason. This mode can be unlocked by having your ALUCARD unit witness someone committing suicide, your attempt to commite suicide, or by telling him that SIR INTEGRA HELLSING is dead. While in this mode your ALUCARD unit is unstoppable and wants nothing more than to kill. We suggest you stay out of his way (unless it is you that attempted the suicide. Then... well, God help you.) and allow him to blow off steam by shooting the crap out of a horde of ghouls.

*Note: The ghouls can be bought via our _Ghoul Invasion_ line of products.

_Slash_ mode is unlocked after a set amount of interaction between your ALUCARD unit and other units available in our product line such as SIR INTEGRA HELLSING, SERAS VICTORIA, RIP VAN WINKLE, WALTER C. DORNEZ, ALEXANDER ANDERSON, LUKE VALENTINE, the RIO HOTEL BELLBOY, and BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER. Your ALUCARD unit may also initiate _SLASH _mode with you, the owner, while in the _Obedient, Furious, _or _Bloodthirsty _modes. If this is undesired, we strongly suggest you avoid making any invitations to ALUCARD while he is in any of these modes.

**Relationships with Other Units**

SIR INTEGRA F. W. HELLSING: Your ALUCARD holds SIR INTEGRA in the highest regard, as his equal. Your ALUCARD can be quick to defend SIR INTEGRA's honor when it is threatened. When bought together your SIR INTEGRA unit is highly capable of keeping your ALUCARD unit in check and on task, though there are limits to what she can stop him from. It is reccommended you buy the two units together to ensure your ALUCARD unit is brought to his fullest potential.

*Note: SIR INTEGRA and ALUCARD units have some understated sexual tension that is not helped by ALUCARD's penchant for sexual innuendos and lack of concern for personal space. Despite the fact that the SIR INTEGRA unit finds the ALUCARD unit not appealing in the slightest, romance can occur. However, pursuing this pairing is time consuming, frustrating, and consistently unfruitful - though not for lack of trying on your ALUCARD unit's part.

SERAS VICTORIA: SERAS VICTORIA is your ALUCARD unit's newest fledgeling; therefore he considers himself her teacher and subsequent father-figure. He is stern with her and at times can be unnecessarily mean, but he means the absolute best for her in the long run.

*Note: Romance between the SERAS VICTORIA and ALUCARD units is possible if there are no SIR INTEGRA HELLSING units nearby.

ALEXANDER ANDERSON:  This unit is the ALUCARD unit's designated rival in every sense of the word. When confronted by this unit, your ALUCARD unit will immediately initiate trash-talk and then, if the ANDERSON unit reciprocates (which he inevitable will), your ALUCARD unit will enter _Bloodthirsty_ mode and a battle will begin. It is imperative that you keep these two units separate to prevent excessive damage to your property.

*_SLASH _mode dictates that these two may begin a romantic, yaoi relationship if left to their own devices for a long period of time. This is extremely rare and will only occur if there are no SIR INTEGRA HELLSING or ENRICO MAXWELL units around.

LUKE VALENTINE: This unit will always and arrogantly engage your ALUCARD unit in battle. Unfortunately for him, your ALUCARD unit will realize that LUKE VALENTINE is nowhere near as strong as he thinks he is, ALUCARD will summon BASKERVILLE to eat him. Destruction of the LUKE VALENTINE unit is inevitable.

**Cleaning**

Your Alucard unit is quite capable of cleaning himself as he is pre-programmed with a dirt and blood self-absorption option, which means that any mess he make on himself will be immediately sucked in and made a part of himself. It is possible to bathe him, however, though we suggest only trying when he is in _Obedient _or _Slash _mode.

**Feeding**

Your ALUCARD unit is quite capable of keeping himself fed and does not need to feed often, though it is suggested that you keep a well-stocked supply of blood packages on hand to prevent any mishaps. Your ALUCARD feeds almost exclusively on blood, though expensive red wine is an acceptable alternative on occasion.

**Rest**

Your ALUCARD unit is impervious to the harsh, purifying rays of the sun, but he hates it anyway. Because of this he will sleep all day long and stay up into the extremely late hours of the night. If you have a job, attend school, or are a normal day-rising person, the ALUCARD unit is not for you. Your ALUCARD will sleep in his coffin, which we must remind you NOT to touch, under any circumstances.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q. Is the ALUCARD unit actually Count Dracula?

A. Yes, he is.

Q. Can the ALUCARD unit be destroyed?

A. No, he cannot. The ALUCARD unit is not invincible, but no amount of damage can fully kill him. We also do not suggest you try, either.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: My ALUCARD unit won't stop trying to kill me! How do I get him to stop?

Solution: Yes, well, your Alucard unit is, in case you haven't noticed, quite cocky and defiant. He won't recognize you as his master until your prove yourself. We suggest doing so quickly before anything irreparable happens. In the meantime, try buying one of our SIR INTEGRA units and using her to calm ALUCARD down. Results may still vary.

Problem: I opened the box and inside is a little girl!

Solution: It seems we have sent you a GIRLYCARD unit by mistake. This version of the ALUCARD product line is simply ALUCARD in young female form. She exhibits all of the qualities of normal!Alucard though she is a girl. She also comes with cute, custom-designed lolita costumes and vampire teddy bear along with her normal white suit. If you do not wish to keep her, feel free to send her back and we will replace her.

Problem: My Alucard unit just turned into a dog.

Solution: Treat him as you would any rabid, dangerous dog. Keep your hands where he can see them, palms toward you. Do not make any sudden movements, and for God's sake, do NOT call him Fluffy Wuffums! ALUCARD can change at will into any form he chooses, none of them any less dangerous.

**End Notes**

You have picked a dangerous and slightly maniacal companion to spend the rest of your life with. While ALUCARD may exhibit some bloodthirsty and murderous tendencies, once you have gained his trust you will never have to fear anything ever again. He makes for an excellent hunting partner and guard dog, as well.

Good luck! _You're going to need it._


	3. KUROSHITSUJI Line: GRELL SUTCLIFFE

**GRELL SUTCLIFFE: User Guide and Manual**

**CONGRATULATIONS! **You have just purchased your very own GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit. This manual was made to ensure that you, the user, could get as much potential from your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit as possible.

**Technical Specifications:**

Name: GRELL SUTCLIFFE. He will respond to anything you call him, including "Sexy Butler Man," "Sexy Reaper Man," and "Mangosteen." We do not suggest using "Red-Headed Stepchild," however.

Age: Never ask a lady his age!

Place of Manufacture: Dispatch Management Division

Height: 167.64 cm (5'6'')

Weight: The GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit firmly believes in the rule that it is inexusably rude to ask a lady her weight. Or his.

Length: Relinquishing such information is not befitting a proper lady.

**Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit comes equipped with the following:**

One (1) woman's coat, red

One (1) pair of ruby red glasses, neck chain included

One (1) Shinigami suit, with red and white ribbon instead of black tie

One (1) pair of high-heeled boots

One (1) SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS plush doll

One (1) WILLIAM T. SPEARS plush doll

One (1) modified Reaper's Death Scythe, chainsaw, red

Two (2) Reaper's Death Scythe replacement scissors

Six (6) packs of colored craft paper

One (1) copy of Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_

Three (3) tubes of lipstick, red, Red Hot Mama, and Sex Me Up Red

Two (2) women's dresses, red and brighter red

One (1) tube of mascara, black

One (1) case of rouge

One (1) camera, red

**Programming**

While there are many available functions for your GRELL unit, here are a few suggestions and warnings:

Butler: Your GRELL unit can be utitlized as your personal butler. This function is not recommended, as GRELL SUTCLIFFE has been programmed to be the worst butler in the history of butlers. GRELL brews awful tea, breaks nearly everything she he touches, and has a tendency to get lost very easily. GRELL's butler function may be used as suitable comedic relief, but we advise you to be prepared when GRELL fails and begins to attempt suicide. Of course, he she will fail, but in the rare event that she he doesn't, we recommend having SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit on hand to clean up the mess.

Mercenary: GRELL SUTCLIFFE, while a God-awful butler, is an exemplary killing machine. Despite the fact that she he is supposed to be a Reaper, only collecting souls _after_ a person has died, GRELL is happy to speed the process along, especially if she he finds your reason for doing so relatable.

Semi-Professional Actor: GRELL is naturally dramatic, relishing in the attentions, whether positive or not, of others, and he she adores the stage. GRELL is perfect and always ready to play the role of the leading heroine or damsel-in-distress. As long as he she believes that no one else's role is better or more important that his/hers, the show will go on successfully. Otherwise... a "No Refunds" sign might be necessary.

Party Entertainment: GRELL could be a wonderful party host, as she he is very open, dramatic, social, and loves attention. GRELL loves to sing and party, so shove a microphone into her his hand and shove her him out onto the stage or dancefloor and watch magic happen. Believe us when we say that no one will ever forget a party with GRELL SUTCLIFFE. Especially the handsome male guests.

Babysitter: GRELL SUTCLIFFER harbors a deep desire to bear children of his her own, and as such is extremely envious of other women. If you have children, especially babies, GRELL might actually prove to be a wonderful caretaker. Or he she may not. However, please be advised that GRELL may become jealous of your ability to have children, and she he may kill you and steal your kids from you.

Model: GRELL is extremely comfortable in his her own body, and will be more than happy to pose for your art. As long as you keep him happy with promises of special attention from his "true loves," he will perform anything you ask, even nude photos.

**Removal of your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit from packaging**

Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit is unpredictable, moody, dramatic, bloodthirsty, and slightly selfish. Removal from her his box can be a perfectly easy task, or it can be the worst idea you've ever had. Please read the following suggestions to ensure safe and successful box removal.

Method 1: Place a lovely and expensive red outfit, preferably a dress, in front of the GRELL SUTCLIFFE box and wait. Your unit will burst out of the box and happily attempt to try on the outfit. For best results, compliment the unit, whether she he looks good or not. Especially if she he doesn't. Use feminine pronouns and adjectives.

Method 2: Have WILLIAM T. SPEARS stand in front of the box and order GRELL SUTCLIFFE to come out. She He will, but she he will immediately begin flirting with WILLIAM, which may result in the maiming of your GRELL unit. If damage occurs, baby your GRELL unit as much as you can, and remind her him of how beautiful she he is, especially if WILLIAM stabs GRELL'S face.

Method 3: Have SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS stand in front of your GRELL unit's box. GRELL will immediately burst out of the box to flirt with SEBASTIAN. This can end in one of two ways: your GRELL unit may be berated and damaged by the SEBASTIAN unit, or she he will initiate a battle. If the former occurs, act as Method 2 dictates, but if the latter occurs, order your SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS unit to stand down and call in WILLIAM T. SPEARS. Stand a safe distance away as WILLIAM diffuses the situation.

Method 4: Stand in front of your unit's box and begin a steady stream of compliments and praise. Your GRELL unit will come out on her his own, flattered. If you are male, be aware that GRELL may suddenly fall deeply and helplessly in love with you. If you are female, she he may befriend you on the basis that she he finds herself himself much, much prettier than you, or she he may become jealous of you and try to kill you.

Method 5: Stand outside of your GRELL unit's box and begin playing an instrument. Your GRELL unit will burst out of the box and begin singing along. Surprisingly, GRELL has a gorgeous voice. Be sure to tell her him so. Often.

**Reprogramming**

Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit is reprogrammable with the following modes:

_Flirtatious_

_Bloodthirsty_

_Drama Queen_

_Slash_

_Obedient (locked)_

_Murderous (locked)_

*Note: While GRELL will perform the same actions in both the _Bloodthirsty _and _Murderous _modes, the difference is that while in _Murderous_ GRELL cannot be stopped in her his intense desire to kill everyone that has offended her him. Not even WILLIAM T. SPEARS can save you from GRELL's wrath if you manage to incur it upon yourself.

Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit comes preprogrammed in the _Flirtatious _and _Bloodthirsty_ modes. In these modes your unit will act as she he pleases, happily killing what or whoever she he is ordered to, or wishes to. She He will flirt with everyone she he finds appealing, especially handsome young men. She He is playful and coy, but make her him angry or spurn her him too much and _Bloodthirsty _mode may slide into _Murderous _mode.

_Drama Queen _mode will initiate whenever your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit pleases, but especially after being rejected by yourself or another unit. In this mode GRELL will not respond to any of your orders and she he will whine and complain until you find someway to placate her him. GRELL has been known to do things out of spite in this mode, such as destroying your favorite piece of clothing with his Death Scythe or Scissors. To get your GRELL unit to grow up, agree to do something nice for her him, such as get her him a kiss with SEBASTIAN (you may have to order SEBASTIAN to agree to this), or buy her him a new pair of shoes.

GRELL is the second unit of the KUROSHITSUJI product line to have _Slash_ mode unlocked and readily available. She He may enter this mode herself himself, at any time. While in this mode, her his playful come-ons will increase in intensity and X-rating, and no male or super-gorgeous female is safe. It is extremely easy to pair your GRELL unit off while in this mode, especially with SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS, WILLIAM T. SPEARS, or UNDERTAKER. While GRELL is not entirely picky about her his partner in this mode, you may have some trouble getting her him to pair with units such as CIEL PHANTOMHIVE, ANGELA/ASH, CLAUDE FAUSTUS, or ALOIS TRANCY. Also, if rejected while in this mode, GRELL has an even higher chance of unlocking _Murderous_ mode.

_Obedient _mode is locked because GRELL likes to do things herself himself, when she he chooses. To unlock this mode, somehow gain GRELL's fear or deep admiration, or use WILLIAM T. SPEARS to literally beat her him into shape. When in this mode GRELL SUTCLIFFE will obey your every command, more or less, without all the mouth that she he may give you otherwise. GRELL is a competent ally to have, but make sure you tell her him so to keep _Obedient _mode unlocked.

Your GRELL unit has a fiery, kill-happy temper that is unlocked at a moment's notice. Often she he will unlock _Murderous_ mode without warning, and if you manage to catch it in time, make sure you have a SEBASTIAN unit readily available to protect you or whatever has incurred GRELL's wrath, because she he will stop at nothing until she he sees the object of her his rage dead and painted her his favorite color.

**Relationships with Other Units**

SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS: GRELL SUTCLIFFE finds SEBASTIAN attractive and firmly believes in flirting with him as much as possible. SEBASTIAN does not reciprocate any of GRELL's feelings, unless you order him to, and will most likely harm GRELL in some way if the reaper gets too touchy or threatens SEBASTIAN'S master. GRELL also enjoys a good battle with SEBASTIAN and will often skip the flirting to goad him into a fight.

*Note: _Slash_ mode between GRELL SUTCLIFFE and SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS may occur if the two are left alone and SEBASTIAN remains in _Demonic _mode for too long. While this may be GRELL's dream come true, have a back up plan handy to save her him, for she he may not come out of the pairing in one piece.

WILLIAM T. SPEARS: WILLIAM is GRELL's "true love," despite the fact that WILLIAM finds GRELL exceedingly annoying and useless. GRELL will shamelessly flirt with WILLIAM even as the former is smashing her his face in. If left alone for a long enough time, WILLIAM may grudgingly come around to GRELL's insistent flattery and _Slash _mode may finally come into play.

ANGELINA DURLESS: GRELL empathizes with ANGELINA's despair at not being capable of bearing children. As such, the two make a good pairing when bought together. GRELL may also end up killing your ANGELINA unit, if she he so happens to become bored by her.

*Note: Be careful when owning both units together, as there may suddenly become an increase in prostitute murders in your area. If you suspect your GRELL and ANGELINA units to be the culprits, buy a CIEL PHANTOMHIVE, SEBASTIAN MICHAELIS, and ALEISTER CHAMBER unit to solve the case.

**Cleaning**

Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit is perfectly capable of cleaning herself himself, though if you are handsome enough he may allow you to bathe her him. She He may even offer to bathe you, but we reccommend watching her his hands during both processes.

**Feeding**

We are not sure what a Reaper eats, though we have seen GRELL units eating human food, so it may be safe to offer him her some from time to time. GRELL is an even worse cook than the PHANTOMHIVE SERVANT BARDROY, so for fire-safety and personal health's sake, do not have him her prepare any of your meals or any meals of her his own.

**Rest**

Your GRELL SUTCLIFFE unit does not need to rest very often, but when she he does he has a tendency to stop breathing in her his sleep. We do not reccommend waking her him up if this happens. She He prefers to lie amongst lovely things like flowers.

**Frequently Asked Questions**

Q. Is the GRELL unit a male or a female? It's so pretty and feminine, but...

A. The GRELL unit is male, though we recommend not reminding her of this.

Q. What is the GRELL unit's sexual orientation? I can't tell if he likes men or woman or...animals.

A. ...Bisexual...? Your GRELL unit will hit on anything that he she deems pretty and/or mysterious.

**Troubleshooting**

Problem: My GRELL unit keeps killing my neighbors. How do I get him to stop?

Solution: Take away his her Modified Reaper Death Scythe and give him her the Death Scissors we have included in her his packaging. Your GRELL unit will whine and complain about it, but it will force her him to find other ways to release her his "creative spirit."

Problem: My GRELL unit keeps putting on my mother's clothes and won't stop trying to reap my soul!

Solution: Threaten your GRELL unit with WILLIAM T. SPEARS, but don't hold your breath. GRELL likes to kill things, likes reaping souls, and is very hard to control. We suggest offering something of equal value, like a new dress or a new SEBASTIAN plush doll.

Problem: My GRELL unit is acting very stiff and arrogant. All he wants to do is paperwork, though he complains and mutters to himself while he does it. How can I get him to loosen up?

Solution: It seems we have sent you a WILLIAM T. SPEARS unit instead. Please feel free to send him back, or if you still want to try to "loosen him up," buy another GRELL unit and try to make the two interact.

*Note: This method may result in the maiming of your GRELL unit, or the raping of your WILLIAM unit. Be careful.

**End Notes**

You have picked a flamboyant and carefree spirit to spend the rest of your life with. GRELL SUTCLIFFE has a very independent and creative personality, and will be the perfect girlfriend to keep you company.

Good luck!

* * *

><p>I'm sorry I couldn't reply to your messages, but I want to thank everyone that's reviewed this ball of craziness so far! :D I honestly wasn't expecting any attention at all, so thank you thank you!<p>

Anyway, I got a request for a GRELL unit manual, so I got to work, and I hope it is useful as well as amusing. Oh, and I don't own any of the Kuroshitsuji characters. Nor the Hellsing characters. Just so we're clear.

~SMOL3


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